Guide to Paperwork or The Fine Art of Softgriefing and Workplace Bombing
Whether you are a true roleplayer, a sadist, or a bona-fide bureaucrat you’ll need some good forms for the HOPline. Luckily for you, I am here to share some tips and tricks as well as my own forms to be modified as you need.
For legal purposes, don’t do half the stuff I say here unless the victim is a turbo shitter. You know the type.
Formatting
It’s important! People are more likely to bother with your forms if you make them nice and pretty, and it can help in hiding some “gotcha” moments in the paper to boot!
There isn’t much to say here that isn’t covered in the help tab. The only thing is you have to be careful with nesting actions on text as some combinations won’t work. For example, if you wanted centered bold text you have to use **<center>Text</center>** instead of <center>**Text**</center>. I’ll be real I can’t be bothered to figure out the proper of order of operations on my own so I just brute force trial and error until it works.
One thing to note is the %s signature listed, this will automatically sign your characters name, no forgery is readily possible. You can use this to make decently sure someone who wrote it is who they say they are.
Examples
Here are some of my prized forms alongside their in-game counterparts, use them as inspiration, a base for your own, what have you.
Form Requisition Form
Summary
Nanotrasen Form Requisition Form
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*In order for your request to be considered, whether it is a job change, additional access, or other request, you must first indicate which forms you require. Job transfers and access requests outside of your department have an associated mandatory competency exam. Please denote below which forms you need with a Y indicating you need it, and N indicating you do not.*
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[_] Job Transfer
[_] Additional Access
[_] All Access
[_] Replacement ID
[_] Court Summons
[_] Paperwork Exemption Form
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*By submitting this form for review, I assert that I,*
[_________________________] *am not a member of the Wizard Federation, Syndicate, or other enemies of Nanotrasen including but not limited to, the Cult of Nar'sie.*
**Signature:** [___________________________]
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*Note, this form is one use only. This form will only be accepted if completed in non-black ink. Forgery or inputting false information is a crime and will result in summary rejection of any request and possible criminal charges. No additional forms will be given until the previous is completed. The Head of Personnel reserves the right to deny any request at any time for any reason.*
Job Transfer Form
Summary
Nanotrasen Job Transfer Application
===
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**Name:** [_________________________]
**Age:** [___]
**D.O.B:**[___]/[___]/[_____]
**Current Date:** [___] / [___] / [______]
**Height (yards):** [_____]
**Weight (stone):** [_______]
**Ocular Prescription:** [_____]
**Blood Type:** [___]
**Chinese Zodiac:** [_________________]
**Current Occupation:** [______________________]
**Desired Occupation:** [______________________]
----
*By submitting this form for review, I assert that I,*
[_________________________] *am not a member of the Wizard Federation, Syndicate, or other enemies of Nanotrasen including but not limited to, the Cult of Nar'sie.*
**Applicant’s Signature:** [___________________________]
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**<center>Stamp of Relevant Head of Staff</center>**
<center>|</center>
<center>|</center>
<center>|</center>
<center>|</center>
**Signature of Relevant Head:** [___________________________]
**<center>Stamp of Head of Personnel</center>**
<center>|</center>
<center>|</center>
<center>|</center>
<center>|</center>
**Signature of HoP:** [___________________________]
----
*Note, this form is one use only. This form will only be accepted if completed in non-black ink. Forgery or inputting false information is a crime and will result in summary rejection of any request and possible criminal charges. No additional forms will be given until the previous is completed. The Head of Personnel reserves the right to deny any request at any time for any reason.*
Access Application Form
Summary
Nanotrasen Access Application
=====
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**Name:** [_________________________]
**Age:** [___]
**Date:** [___] / [___] / [______]
**Height (football fields):** [_____]
**Weight (ounces):** [_______]
**Dominant Hand:** [_____]
**Eye Color:** [______]
**Ethnicity:** [___________]
**DNA:** [_________________________]
**Fingerprint:** [_________________________]
**Desired Access:** [_______________________]
----
*By submitting this form for review, I assert that I,*
[_________________________] *am not a member of the Wizard Federation, Syndicate, or other enemies of Nanotrasen including but not limited to, the Cult of Nar'sie.*
**Applicant’s Signature:** [___________________________]
----
**<center>Stamp of Relevant Head of Staff</center>**
<center>|</center>
<center>|</center>
<center>|</center>
<center>|</center>
**Signature of Relevant Head:** [___________________________]
**<center>Stamp of Head of Personnel</center>**
<center>|</center>
<center>|</center>
<center>|</center>
<center>|</center>
**Signature of HoP:** [___________________________]
----
*Note, this form is one use only. This form will only be accepted if completed in non-black ink. Forgery or inputting false information is a crime and will result in summary rejection of any request and possible criminal charges. No additional forms will be given until the previous is completed. The Head of Personnel reserves the right to deny any request at any time for any reason.*
All Access Form
Summary
Nanotrasen All Access Form PAGE 1
=======
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*In order to receive All Access, you must prove universal competency. These questions are designed to deeply test your knowledge in many fields of work. Answer to the best of your ability, and there is no time limit. However, do note that any score lower than 100% will be met with summary rejection.*
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**<center>Free Response</center>**
* An engineer has launched a rocket from the surface of the earth traveling at 2.75 * 10^5 football fields per fortnight. Approximately how long, in half days, does it take for that rocket to reach Neptune assuming it travels in a direct line at closest approach?
[____________________________________________________]
* A patient arrives in the medical ward with severely reddened skin and a highly inflamed thyroid. They are delirious from fever and dehydration as they vomit profusely. What would you diagnose them with?
[____________________________________________________]
* Two of your coworkers are arguing about dark energy. One of them is a pioneer of the theory that dark energy is the progenitor of bluespace science, while the other claims that bluespace is a result of fourth dimensional interference. Explain how each of their theories are wrong.
[____________________________________________________]
* One of the plants in the hydroponics bay shows signs of disease. The leaves of the plant have a number of dark green, brown, and black spots. In particularly bad cases, mycelium is visible on the outside of the roots. What are the plants suffering from?
[____________________________________________________]
* One of your fellow cargo technicians orders a locked crate, and does not know how to open it. Assuming you have everything barring the necessary access to open the crate, how do you crack it open?
[____________________________________________________]
* An alleged criminal asserts that they cannot be jailed for possession of a firearm under Nanotrasen’s Health and Safety Code, Ordinance 627, Article 3, Subsection 5, Paragraph B, which states “Any employee of the corporation may not be punished for possession of arms below a reasonable standard of effectiveness during an ongoing corporate war.” Are they correct or incorrect, and why?
[____________________________________________________]
**<center>Free Response</center>**
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*Read the question, then answer T for true or F for false.*
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* [__] Silicons are created through a man-machine interface.
* [__] Felinids deserve the rights afforded to all sapient beings.
* [__] The Head of Personnel is typically the most competent employee on the station.
* [__] A 100 lb watermelon is 99% water. If it dries to become 98% water, it will weigh only 50 lbs.
* [__] Pinnochio states that his nose will grow. Does it?
* [__] There exists a fixed inertial reference frame.
* [__] I will give the Head of Personnel all of my money.
Nanotrasen All Access Form PAGE 2
=======
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*In the space provided below, write a short essay on the merits of Keynesian economics using only factual data, no opinions, with cited sources.*
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[_______________________________________________________]
[_______________________________________________________]
[_______________________________________________________]
[_______________________________________________________]
[_______________________________________________________]
[_______________________________________________________]
**<center>Personal Information</center>**
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**Name:** [_________________________]
**Age:** [___]
**Date:** [___] / [___] / [______]
**Height (yottameters):** [_____]
**Weight (solar masses):** [_______]
**Dominant Hand:** [_____]
**Eye Color:** [______]
**Ethnicity:** [___________]
**Religion:** [_________________]
----
*By submitting this form for review, I assert that I,*
[_________________________] *am not a member of the Wizard Federation, Syndicate, or other enemies of Nanotrasen including but not limited to, the Cult of Nar'sie.*
**Signature:** [___________________________]
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**<center>Stamp of Head of Personnel</center>**
<center>|</center>
<center>|</center>
<center>|</center>
<center>|</center>
**Signature of HoP:** [___________________________]
----
*Note, this form is one use only. This form will only be accepted if completed in black ink. Forgery or inputting false information is a crime and will result in summary rejection of any request and possible criminal charges. No additional forms will be given until the previous is completed. The Head of Personnel reserves the right to deny any request at any time for any reason.*
Replacement ID Form
Summary
Nanotrasen Replacement ID Form
===
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*If you received this form, it means that you have lost or destroyed your ID. This loss of corporate property entails a replacement fee of $200 for an identification card, and $500 for a PDA.*
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**Name:** [_________________________]
**Age:** [___]
**D.O.B:**[___]/[___]/[_____]
**Current Date:** [___] / [___] / [______]
**Height (decimeter):** [_____]
**Weight (lbs):** [_______]
**Ocular Prescription:** [_____]
**Blood Type:** [___]
**Greek Zodiac:** [_________________]
**Current Occupation:** [______________________]
*By submitting this form for review, I assert that I,*
[_________________________] *consent to these charges. If I am unable to pay them presently, I consent to have my wages garnished and my employment contract extended until my debt has been repaid.*
**Signature:** [___________________________]
Competency Tests
Summary
Nanotrasen Engineering/Atmos Competency Test
===
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*This test is designed to quickly check your qualifications. Answer to the best of your ability, and there is no time limit.*
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**<center>True or False</center>**
* A volume pump is better than a gas pump in most applications. [__]
* The stock freezers run colder than a stock spaceloop in the supermatter. [__]
* The Rapid Construction Device can be upgraded. [__]
* Poly will let you remove his headset. [__]
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**<center>Free Response</center>**
What is the moment of inertia of a solid sphere with a mass of 50kg and radius 2m? Include units.
[____________________________]
Find the limit as x approaches 1 of 1/(x^2-2x+1)
[____________________________]
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**<center>Essay</center>**
In the space provided below, write a short essay on the Tacoma Narrows Bridge Disaster. Provide historical context, the causes of the incident, what actions were taken afterwards, and how it can be prevented in the future.
[_______________________________________________________]
[_______________________________________________________]
[_______________________________________________________]
[_______________________________________________________]
[_______________________________________________________]
[_______________________________________________________]
[_______________________________________________________]
[_______________________________________________________]
Nanotrasen Medical Competency Test
===
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*This test is designed to quickly check your qualifications. Answer to the best of your ability, and there is no time limit.*
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**<center>True or False</center>**
* A man is defibrillated back to life but is still heavily damaged. Should your default course of action be to put him in cryogenics? [__]
* Salicylic Acid is a valid healing patch for on-the-go applications. [__]
* The food at the kitchen has been laced with a deadly toxin. Do you administer mannitol to the injured? [__]
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**<center>Free Response</center>**
Given a 30 gram sample of NaCl, calculate the number of moles in the sample. [________]
A patient claims to suffer from random, intense bouts of déjà vu accompanied by nausea and a strange odor. What condition do they suffer from? [_________________________]
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**<center>Essay</center>**
A plasma man has died, and there are no cloners or cryogenics available.Answer below with what your chosen course of action would be.
[_______________________________________________________]
[_______________________________________________________]
[_______________________________________________________]
[_______________________________________________________]
[_______________________________________________________]
[_______________________________________________________]
[_______________________________________________________]
[_______________________________________________________]
Nanotrasen Science Competency Test
===
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*This test is designed to quickly check your qualifications. Answer to the best of your ability, and there is no time limit.*
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**<center>True or False</center>**
* A slime breaks out from Xenobiology. Judicious application of a fire extinguisher is justified. [__]
* Tritium is the result of plasma burning in a nitrogen rich environment. [__]
* Advanced Mining Technology is priority #1 at the beginning of a shift. [__]
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**<center>Free Response</center>**
You are given an XNOR logic gate with input A being 0 and input B being 1. What is the output of the logic gate? [____]
Destruction of the supermatter engine has left the station with low power. What can you do to help? [_________________]
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**<center>Essay</center>**
You are approached by a frenzied scientist, who yells, "I'm going to put my quantum harmonizer in your photonic resonation chamber!" Answer in the space below.
[_______________________________________________________]
[_______________________________________________________]
[_______________________________________________________]
[_______________________________________________________]
[_______________________________________________________]
[_______________________________________________________]
[_______________________________________________________]
[_______________________________________________________]
Nanotrasen Service Competency Test
===
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*This test is designed to quickly check your qualifications. Answer to the best of your ability, and there is no time limit.*
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**<center>True or False</center>**
* Ambrosia Gaia contains both omnizine and trace amounts of spaceacillin. [_]
* Chemists can produce extra meat for the chef. [_]
* The Chaplain's bible has no other uses besides the small storage slot it has. [_]
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**<center>Free Response</center>**
Which state has the best style of barbeque? [______________]
Is pineapple pizza an acceptable dish? [______________]
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**<center>Essay</center>**
The Captain asks you to help prepare a special meal for an event he is hosting. What do you make? Answer in the space below.
[_______________________________________________________]
[_______________________________________________________]
[_______________________________________________________]
[_______________________________________________________]
[_______________________________________________________]
[_______________________________________________________]
[_______________________________________________________]
[_______________________________________________________]
Nanotrasen Civilian Competency Test
===
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*This test is designed to quickly check your qualifications. Answer to the best of your ability, and there is no time limit.*
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**<center>True or False</center>**
* Shipping Manifests have no use. [_]
* The Proto-Kinetic Accelerator can have a knife and flashlight attached to it. [_]
* All prisoners subject to permanent imprisonment have the right to a trial. [_]
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**<center>Free Response</center>**
Snitches get… [_______________]
Who is the most well known quartermaster? [___________________]
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**<center>Essay</center>**
A fellow cargo tech has acquired some restricted equipment through unknown means and you fear that he might get cargo in trouble. What do you do? Answer in the space below.
[_______________________________________________________]
[_______________________________________________________]
[_______________________________________________________]
[_______________________________________________________]
[_______________________________________________________]
[_______________________________________________________]
[_______________________________________________________]
[_______________________________________________________]
Nanotrasen Security Competency Test
===
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*This test is designed to quickly check your qualifications. Answer to the best of your ability, and there is no time limit.*
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**<center>True or False</center>**
* The Detective is required to listen to orders from Security Officers. [_]
* Night Vision Sec-Huds protect you from flashes. [_]
* Contraband can be used by security personnel if circumstances permit. [_]
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**<center>Free Response</center>**
Shitsec is defined as… [_______________________________]
Who is the most competent member of security? [________]
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**<center>Essay</center>**
Conflicting reports of an altercation between a Cargo Tech and a Scientist come in, and it is clear one of them attempted to murder the other. How do you find the culprit? Answer in the space below.
[_______________________________________________________]
[_______________________________________________________]
[_______________________________________________________]
[_______________________________________________________]
[_______________________________________________________]
[_______________________________________________________]
[_______________________________________________________]
[_______________________________________________________]
Alert Change Form
Summary
Nanotrasen Alert Change Request Form
==========
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**Name:** [_________________________]
**Occupation:** [_________________]
**Current Date:** [___] / [___] / [______]
**Current Alert:** [_______]
**Desired Alert:** [_______]
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**<center>Reason for Change:</center>**
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*Read the question, then mark Y or N depending on if the aforementioned threat is present or not.*
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**Presence of Cult:** [__]
**Presence of Traitors:** [__]
**Presence of Changelings:** [__]
**Presence of Syndicate Boarding Team:** [__]
**Miscellaneous Other Threats:** [__]
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*If you answered yes to miscellaneous threats, give a brief summary of the threat in the space provided below.*
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<center>[_______________________________________________________]</center>
<center>[_______________________________________________________]</center>
<center>[_______________________________________________________]</center>
Trolling
To me, the whole point of being a paperwork HOP is to witness the crew go through all five stages of grief.
Denial - “Fuck not another paperwork HOP”
Anger - “Screw you HOP”
Bargaining - “I’ll trade you ____ to not do this horse shit”
Depression - “Screw this I’ll just not get access”
Acceptance - “Here’s your fucking form peckerhead”
But this isn’t where the fun ends. True masters of the game can prolong suffering as long as they want. Here are some tips.
- Fact check people’s bullshit Someone says they were born in the year 2592 but their Chinese Zodiac sign is the Green Wood Dragon? That ain’t right, DENIED!
- Constantly change the requested info. On the first form ask for height in yards, on the second ask for height in meters. Blindly copying from the last form? DENIED!
- Include “gotcha” moments. Have something like a disclaimer at the bottom saying it must be completed in red crayon, or blue ink, or cursive black ink. Didn’t read the fine text? DENIED!
- Multiple layers of paperwork. This really makes people tear their hair out. If you use the paperwork I provided, they have to first complete a form stating their intentions, fill out the second form pertaining to what they want, and finally complete a competency exam.
- “Lose” their paperwork. If someone is a big grumbler, once they complete a form, keep it. When they submit their next one, ask to see the old form to double check. Almost every time you can gaslight them into thinking they were the ones who lost the form and make them do the whole circus show again.
- Include subjective or misleading questions. For example, one of my questions asks if silicons are made through man-machine interfaces. The answer is yes, but that’s a corporate secret! If you said yes, DENIED for suspected corporate espionage!
- Doing paperwork should SEEM like the path of least resistance. It doesn’t actually have to be, but as long as you can keep the illusion going people are less likely to go directly to other heads for requests.
- If someone tries to do the paperwork in the line like an inconsiderate rube, give them ten or twenty seconds to start writing, then hit the flasher and yell “NEXT!”. The flash will make them hit the ground and lose all their progress!
If you pull off half of these tips and tricks, you’ll be on your way to being bombed and round removed in no time flat which is the best measure of success for a paperwork HOP. Before that happens though, enjoy the schadenfreude!
