Sparky's Slime Handbook 5: Various tier lists

Disclaimer: This is getting out of hand

Alright so I don’t have an opening but I have three segments prepared so lets go

Segment One: Which slimeperson is best

So you wanna be a slimeperson, eh? You got three choices for that, plus oozeling, but who cares really. You want integrated magic powers, and these are your options


Lets you split yourself over multiple bodies, up to a maximum of ten. You can only be present in one of these bodies at a time, and the rest will appear catatonic. If you die, you will automatically swap to another body.
Bodies are created by taking toxin damage, which will (because you are a slimeperson) heal any toxin damage you might have and build up blood volume. Once you have 1200 units of blood, you can split into two with 600 each.


You get the genetic mutation of telepathy allowing you to send thoughts to anyone in range, and access to a private hivemind channel called a Slimelink. The slimelink is centered on you, and collapses if you die, and other people can be added to the hivemind by grabbing them agressively and using the link minds ability.


You can eat slime extracts and use them to do fuckin magic. No i’m not giving a full list of effects most of them are i’ll be honest kinda bad.

Which one is best?

Jellyperson is… reasonable, I guess. You can reproduce it with stabilised cerulean and some teleportation extracts without giving up whatever race you have.
Luminescant is nice I suppose, but made completely irrelevant with the addition of gentle extracts some time ago now.
Stargazer is by far the most unique, and can save your ass, as it has mine many times. It also allows for some fun shenanigens, considering you can slimelink with literally anything that you can agressive grab.

I’m gonna go with stargazer is best but they’re all reasonable, especially considering 300% burn resist or something stupid like that

Part Two: Familiars and You

So stabilised gold is fun. Not only can it summon a creature to be your eternal and undying pet, this creature can also be made sentient, and will maintain the same soul between lives. This list assumes the familiar is sentient, because otherwise it’s just a fashion accessory

Probably OP Tier: Snake, Parrot, Turtle
Useful Tier: Gubbin, Cak, Corgi
Reasonable Tier: Anything that’s spaceproof or can ventcrawl
Aesthetic Tier: Anything without that

Here are my reasons
Snakes… Snakes Snakes Snakes… Snakes on a space station. Snakes have everything. High damage, with venom, relatively fast mobility, and ventcrawling ability. The only thing stopping a snake from slaughtering an entire station is its own durability, being incredibly low. They go down in one or two shots. But here’s the thing.
Familiars do not give a fuck about your damage.
As long as the extract is held they keep on coming back and back and back, tracking you down across the station with the vents and continuing to layer on the damage over time until you fall. A single snake familiar can turn the tide of a round, with one of mine killing four heads of staff during revs. The perfect familiar for any kind of combat.

Parrots. Parrots are a different kind of useful. For basic combat, they’re alright, being shockingly tanky and having an attack that’s more a deterrant than anything. But they have unrivalled utility. They spawn with a headset, containing any base encryption key, including security. So that’s fun. You can also get a new headset by respawning the familiar. With a different key. The parrot itself can also use comms like this.
Parrots can ALSO just steal things from people’s hands and the floor. Like emergency O2 tanks. enjoy this knowledge.
Also they can sit on your shoulder.

Turtle. Ridiculously fucking tanky, hits like a god damned null rod, but slow. Mindswap into one for the real experience. Combine with speed potioned scooter for greater effect.

Golemancy: A Guide

So golems are fine and dandy I guess
Some are better than others though.

When you are the golem master and a golem personally
S TIER: Runic (Magic. Nuff said) Diamond (Full aug diamond golem is practically invincible) Gold (fast boye) Cloth (You are hard to replace, but this keeps you going)
A TIER: Adamantine (it’s really good but you can just rip the organs out and put it in a runic) Plastitanium (Literally only here because it’s S tier for free golems and like C anywhen else) Silver (free magicproofing is a plus)
B TIER: Bronze (CLONG!) Bone (Spooky, and free magic is never bad) Plastic (Naked ventcrawl in, open cavity implant, drop adamantine/bluespace) Cardboard (EXPAND. REPLICATE. REPEAT.) Copper (Free insuls)
C TIER: Iron (it’s the ham sandwich of golems) Durathread (Choking is nice i guess) Leather (i mean it’s not great because you’re a slow fuck but if you get in melee range, people die) Sand/Glass/Clock (Permadeath makes these a risky play but if it pays off… oho) Plasteel (Iron+ but more expensive) Wood (It gives up some environmental resistances for free healing, but you’re the xenobiologist. You don’t need better healing)
D TIER: Titanium (Literally just worse plastitanium, and if you can get titanium you can get plastitanium) Bananium (You will be lynched) Uranium (You will be lynched)
F TIER: Plasma/Bluespace (Both of these golem types actively hinder your survival while providing little tangible benefit)

This next list is for golems you want around as servants
S TIER: Runic (Magic is still magic) Diamond (Invincibility is still invincibility) Clock/Glass/Sand (The main downside of these is permadeath, which doesn’t matter, because you’re expendable. And boy does sand specifically ruin some nukies days) Adamantine (Co-ordination) Bananium (HONK)
A TIER: Plasma/Bluespace (Your life does not matter, and these golems give great reward at risk of death, a cost you can pay) Uranium (Make sure your master is a golem/plasmaman/IPC and create a death halo around yourself and your kin) Bronze (CLONG) Plastic (ventcrawling places and teleporting friends in is probably more effective when the most valuable unit isn’t the one doing the infiltrating)
B TIER: Plastitanium (send it mining or something) Bone (Magic is still magic) Gold: (I’m so fast you can’t even comprehend)
C TIER: Iron/Plasteel (Bland as monkey burgers)
D TIER: Cloth/Wood (Your survivability does not matter, and therefore most upsides offered by these are useless) Titanium (Just make plastitanium, please)

And that concludes volume 5
oh wait, i forgot the Hava golem.
hava what, you ask?
Hava nice day lmao gottem

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