Hi! It’s me, The Real Captain. In my 84.0h as clown, I’ve learnt a lot and I’m going to deliver into your prefrontal cortex a course on how to be an actual funny clown and try some gimmicks. First of all, this is a guide on being a non shitter clown, you won’t get tips on how to lube the hallways or annoy security. This is to actually make funny things.
Knowing your crew
First of all. Your crew. You have a plan in mind. You want to build a merry go round/get a H.O.N.K/ build a rage cage. The best thing to do is knowing the people in the station you need and where do they fall in this compass.
- They like you, they help you: The best outcome. You have a chill captain that gives you permission to make things/someone who likes fun/someone that just hates security. They will help you and you don’t need to persuade them most of the time.
- They don’t like you, they help you: Not as good. This is, for example, a chemist that just gives you lube so you won’t stop bothering them. In my experience, you can make an agreement with this kind of people. You give me lube, I won’t lube anything inside medbay or any medical staff. This usually works
- They like you, they don’t help you: Chill command or Security or maybe some worker that don’t want to get in trouble. If they are the former, rejoice, because you will probably get away with a lot of things if you have a friend in command or security. Don’t try to persuade them much, is better to have them as a backup plan
- They don’t like you, they don’t help you: Avoid these people. Particulary if they are security or command. Condoms are rare, but shitcurity will be on your ass way more than you would like. One way to go around this is going directly to the captain. This will be covered in the next section!
Knowing who is working with you is a good way to be able to make your plans work. You can also ignore this and build that rage cage in the middle of the hallway with no authorization whatsoever, but people that don’t like fun will have an excuse to stop you.
Getting what you want
Like the art of captancy wiki page, but this time serious. Gaslight, Gatekeep, Girlboss. Gaslight someone to give you something by saying that you can make their entire shift a nightmare if they don’t help. Gatekeep antifun people from coming into your plans. But most important, Girlboss. Go to the Captain themselves first thing in the round. Get a mime if avaiable. Dress with a suit. Go to the conference room. Tell them your plans and intentions, and make them stamp a paper that says that you are allowed to do such thing. You will be surprised of HOW MUCH THINGS you can get by just asking politely. If they complain, make changes to your plan to get to a middle point where you both agree. If you have the Captain in your side, no one can do anything to you. Don’t be annoying! I can’t stress this enough. Be a chill clown. Tell something beautiful to the captain, charm them. Be on the verge of the no ERP rule if necessary. But make them feel safe around you. I got once permission from a HoP to go to the AI and add 3 laws to the AI and one of them was “GAY SEX”, and the AI and the HoP didnt snitch on me I do not encourage this behaviour and yes, I got hard bwoinked. But it shows how much you can get away with if you just girlboss your way through things by just asking and convincing people. ALSO!!! Mimes are your best buddy. If you find one and they follow your shit along, you have someone who will silently follow your demands as a sidekick and help you in anything you want. Make sure you do the same thing with them.
TLDR: Get one of this signed by the captain saying your intentions.
The most important part. If you don’t wanna be a shitclown but also don’t wanna be bored, you have to think gimmicks to do. Here I add some of the stuff I’ve done in the past.
- Build a merry go round with pipes and place the entrance in the middle of the hallway: YOU SPIN ME RIGHT ROUND BABY - SS13 - YouTube
- Make a fantasy story, get a costume as an evil wizard and craft a story (depends really heavy on the people you work with, if people don’t follow you along you are fucked).
- #CLOWNMAFIA: Kidnap people by pointing bananas at them. Threat people with pies. Act like a mafia boss by building a room with low lights and a comfy chair inside for the sake of intimidating. Make SURE really hard you are making clear that this is a gimmick and you are not actually sabotaging the station.(Also depends really heavy on the people you work with, specially security, if they won’t follow your kidnappings then you are pretty much fucked. You can also kidnapp Ian or any pet. Make sure you tell them they are going to be fine.)
- Build a fucking rage cage. If you know me, you have probably seen one of my many fight clubs and rage cages. Make sure it’s in a place where people can see it. Also. Don’t take too long building it or otherwise you might get all your progress fucked by antags or the 1:30h crew transfer vote.
- Throw a party!
- Request a new job you dominate and be AMAZING at it. Be the best clown doctor they have ever seen. Outperform anyone and make them impressed.
I think that’s it for me now. My best advice is be creative, be excellent and be funny!. And have patience with shitters and rude people. Or pie them and steal their shoes! It’s your call. But whatever you do, don’t be a shitclown. Just sometimes, I know it’s fun. But don’t play this game just to annoy people all the time, it’s not cool and you have a lot more of options. The Real Captain, signing off!