How to be a good clown

Hi! It’s me, The Real Captain. In my 84.0h as clown, I’ve learnt a lot and I’m going to deliver into your prefrontal cortex a course on how to be an actual funny clown and try some gimmicks. First of all, this is a guide on being a non shitter clown, you won’t get tips on how to lube the hallways or annoy security. This is to actually make funny things.

Knowing your crew

First of all. Your crew. You have a plan in mind. You want to build a merry go round/get a H.O.N.K/ build a rage cage. The best thing to do is knowing the people in the station you need and where do they fall in this compass.

  • They like you, they help you: The best outcome. You have a chill captain that gives you permission to make things/someone who likes fun/someone that just hates security. They will help you and you don’t need to persuade them most of the time.
  • They don’t like you, they help you: Not as good. This is, for example, a chemist that just gives you lube so you won’t stop bothering them. In my experience, you can make an agreement with this kind of people. You give me lube, I won’t lube anything inside medbay or any medical staff. This usually works
  • They like you, they don’t help you: Chill command or Security or maybe some worker that don’t want to get in trouble. If they are the former, rejoice, because you will probably get away with a lot of things if you have a friend in command or security. Don’t try to persuade them much, is better to have them as a backup plan
  • They don’t like you, they don’t help you: Avoid these people. Particulary if they are security or command. Condoms are rare, but shitcurity will be on your ass way more than you would like. One way to go around this is going directly to the captain. This will be covered in the next section!
    Knowing who is working with you is a good way to be able to make your plans work. You can also ignore this and build that rage cage in the middle of the hallway with no authorization whatsoever, but people that don’t like fun will have an excuse to stop you.
Getting what you want

Like the art of captancy wiki page, but this time serious. Gaslight, Gatekeep, Girlboss. Gaslight someone to give you something by saying that you can make their entire shift a nightmare if they don’t help. Gatekeep antifun people from coming into your plans. But most important, Girlboss. Go to the Captain themselves first thing in the round. Get a mime if avaiable. Dress with a suit. Go to the conference room. Tell them your plans and intentions, and make them stamp a paper that says that you are allowed to do such thing. You will be surprised of HOW MUCH THINGS you can get by just asking politely. If they complain, make changes to your plan to get to a middle point where you both agree. If you have the Captain in your side, no one can do anything to you. Don’t be annoying! I can’t stress this enough. Be a chill clown. Tell something beautiful to the captain, charm them. Be on the verge of the no ERP rule if necessary. But make them feel safe around you. I got once permission from a HoP to go to the AI and add 3 laws to the AI and one of them was “GAY SEX”, and the AI and the HoP didnt snitch on me I do not encourage this behaviour and yes, I got hard bwoinked. But it shows how much you can get away with if you just girlboss your way through things by just asking and convincing people. ALSO!!! Mimes are your best buddy. If you find one and they follow your shit along, you have someone who will silently follow your demands as a sidekick and help you in anything you want. Make sure you do the same thing with them.
TLDR: Get one of this signed by the captain saying your intentions.


The most important part. If you don’t wanna be a shitclown but also don’t wanna be bored, you have to think gimmicks to do. Here I add some of the stuff I’ve done in the past.

  • Build a merry go round with pipes and place the entrance in the middle of the hallway: YOU SPIN ME RIGHT ROUND BABY - SS13 - YouTube
  • Make a fantasy story, get a costume as an evil wizard and craft a story (depends really heavy on the people you work with, if people don’t follow you along you are fucked).
  • #CLOWNMAFIA: Kidnap people by pointing bananas at them. Threat people with pies. Act like a mafia boss by building a room with low lights and a comfy chair inside for the sake of intimidating. Make SURE really hard you are making clear that this is a gimmick and you are not actually sabotaging the station.(Also depends really heavy on the people you work with, specially security, if they won’t follow your kidnappings then you are pretty much fucked. You can also kidnapp Ian or any pet. Make sure you tell them they are going to be fine.)
  • Build a fucking rage cage. If you know me, you have probably seen one of my many fight clubs and rage cages. Make sure it’s in a place where people can see it. Also. Don’t take too long building it or otherwise you might get all your progress fucked by antags or the 1:30h crew transfer vote.
  • Throw a party!
  • Request a new job you dominate and be AMAZING at it. Be the best clown doctor they have ever seen. Outperform anyone and make them impressed.

I think that’s it for me now. My best advice is be creative, be excellent and be funny!. And have patience with shitters and rude people. Or pie them and steal their shoes! It’s your call. But whatever you do, don’t be a shitclown. Just sometimes, I know it’s fun. But don’t play this game just to annoy people all the time, it’s not cool and you have a lot more of options. The Real Captain, signing off!

I tend to help people who has been nice to me. It can be as easy as simply talking about something mildly stimulating or even just informing me of something to be good in my book. Fetching me something also works. I’ve met a lot of shitters just expect me to be their helper slave. Nu uh.

It can also be worth noting that people have shite communication and especially if the department has no head. If a Clown comes to me and asks for Space Lube to try an experiment involving monkies and beepskies I’d take their word for it. It is entirely plauaiable. Is it true? I don’t fucking know. It is a good enough reason to give them Space Lube. However, depending on the reason I might give them a lot or a little. If they need a lot I will most likely get a confirmation on this request.

Based behaviour.


Very good guide. These are great principles to follow to make yourself a likable clown. Here are some things I’d like to add that I’ve learned from my own experience as chaos incarnate clown:

  • Personality and presentation are everything. The first part should be self explanatory given that we’re on an RP server, however it is important to distance yourself from the “greyshirt in makeup” stereotype that other crew probably have of you. This can be anything from developing your character’s mannerisms to changing how they talk. This also has the benefit of making you more recognisable, meaning people will be more likely to be in the “like you and help you” category instead of “don’t like you and help you”.

  • Know the boundaries. You should always know when no means no. If you’re too annoying and harm someone’s round, you probably won’t be getting help from them in the future. While walking the line is okay, always know when you should dial it down.

  • Flip expectations. The crew love surprises. Are you a good doctor player? Why not be the worst clown doctor imaginable? Try to replace an ethereal’s lightbulb. Create the first banana-human hybrid. Treat people with jokes alone, since “laughter is the best medicine”. Of course, try to not paralyse people for the rest of the round.

  • Engage with the crew. If no one is around to experience your gimmicks, why even bother? Actively go out and talk with people instead of being the guy who steals shoes without a word. Tell jokes on the radio. Build a personality cult.

  • Pray. Many admins have a special place for clownery and are more likely to answer your requests. It never hurts to ask!

Here are some gimmicks I have that everyone’s free to use.

  • Build a hockey rink! Two teams battle it out with push brooms to push a puck into the other team’s goal.
  • Become a fortune teller! Use the Cards Against Spess deck, fudge die, and a magic 8-ball to predict people’s futures.
  • Make a space ship/ DIY shuttle! It’s a good way to engage with the crew and channel your insanity creativity.
  • Become an artist! There are so many things you can do with a spray can, but what about statues? Create clones of crewmembers and put them in creative situations!
  • Become a pirate! A clown has free access to most items in the costume vendor, so why not use them? You can use a spraycan to “make” your own pirate ship.
  • Steal ALL the chairs. This gimmick is guaranteed to see you chased by security.

I’ve done twice the CUTE POLICE, where me and the mime chased people with foam guns and pointed at them and yelled at them CUTE POLICE, and wrote a ticket that said that they were looking so good and stamped it. I think people enjoyed that. Milli hang herself and we had to get her down because she couldn’t keep up with the fact that she was a “criminal”, but other than that, it was a nice gimmick.


I’m in AWE with some of the gimmicks here displayed. If you did all of those, congratulations, i’m pretty impressed. One devious plan I have is filling hallways with chairs. Chairstation 13 will be real.


I love this! <3<3<3

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The Jani gang will NEVER let this happen

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Of course if none of these work you can just be service incarnate when either the bartender/chef/botanist enter an untimely demise. Be sure to add a clown theme to your production (even it means sacrificing your outfits for food).