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Nutty Professor 2: The Klumps Script

Nutty Professor 2: The Klumps Script

        Well, look what rolled in.

        You know, at first, I thought you was old-ass Raisinet riding on a skateboard.

        I'd like to come over there and choke the life out of you right in front of Jesus.

        Sweet Lord, give me strength. Don't make me have to whup nobody's head in church.

        Ignore him, Lord. Ignore all his prayers.

        He ain't nothing, never did nothing. Give him a stroke or something.

        Do you, Sherman Klump ?

        Yes, I do.

        Indeed, I do.

        ~ Oh, happy day, happy day Oh, happy day, happy day ~ ~ Oh, yeah, happy day ~~

        Happy day, happy day. Happy day, my ass.

        Oh, he lookhandsome. 

        Oh, my baby's finally getting married. Never thought I'd live to see the day. Finally.

        Oh, here she comes, here she comes.

        I'm gonna cry. I promised myself I'm wasn't gonna cry. Now I'm gonna cry.

        Yeah, all right. Dynamite.

        You may be seated.

        Oh, thank God. Oh, thank God.

        l always knew he'd find the right girl. Always knew.

        You see the Indian in her cheekbones ? Ooh ! Sherman, Sherman. Sherman.

        Sherman, Sherman, Sherman. Sherman ! Oh, Lord.

        Shh, my baby's so stupid.

        Dearly beloved, we have gathered here today...

        to join these two people in holy matrimony.

        - Praise the Lord. - The eminent scientist, Professor Sherman Klump...

        - Mm-hmm. - and his longtime sweetheart,

        Denise Gaines. [ Sighing ] Oh, Sherman.

        lf anyone has any reason why these two shouldnot be wed, let him speaknow...

        or forever hold his penis.

        - Oh, Sherman.

        That's it, son. Show 'em what the Klumps are made of !

        - Sherman, put that away. - Sherman, calm down, baby. Save it for the honeymoon.

        - Surprise ! - [ All Screaming ]

        - [ Cackling ] - Hey, Sherman, calm down, boy. What's wrong with you ?

        - This is some scar shit. - Yeah, like The Outer Limits.

        No, don't hurt yourself, baby. You are coming with Buddy.

        - No ! No ! - See you later, chunky butt ! [ Cackling ]

        No !

        And then I wake up in a cold sweat.

        How often do you have this dream ? More and more lately.

        You seem to be very fond of this girl, Denise.

        My God, she is so special to me.

        But how's she gonna love me when I got Buddy Love inside me ? I wanna be perfect for her.

        Perfect ? No one is perfect, Sherman.

        You need to understand that Buddy Love is a representation...

        of the uninhibited, hedonistic id.

        - He is not a real person. - Buddy Love is real !

        Well, he was real, and he does take control of me sometimes.

        You will never learn to control him... Sherman !

        until you accept the fact that he is apart of you.

        Yeah, and the best part too ! And I'll tell you something else, punk !

        All these diplomas on this wall don't make up for the fact...

        that you got a little Vienna sausage in your drawers.

        - Is that why they call you a shrink ? - Shut up, fat a--

        - Sorry.

        Yeah, yes. Session got a little outta-- outta control.

        You see, we all have a little Buddy Love inside us.

        Yeah. But we can't let him rule our lives.

        You're in charge, Sherman. Can you say that for me ?

        I'm in charge. Can't hear you.

        - I'm in charge. - Can't hear you !

        I'm in charge ! Sorry about that. [ Glass Shattering ]

        Yeah. Klump in charge ! I'm in charge !

        He's right. I am in charge.

        Klump in charge. Yes, indeed.

        Good afternoon, ladies. Yeah.

        Hey, Professor Klump. How's it going ? Fantastic. How about yourself?

        Yeah. Klump in charge.

        Afternoon. Good day. Hi.

        How you doing ?

          - Beautiful day, isn't it, Professor ? - Bite me, old hag. Oh !

          - What ? - Uh, uh, I said, he likes me. Look at him wag.

          Hey, little fella. See that little tail wagging ?

          Have a good day. I'm in charge. My goodness.

          Kinda hot today, huh, Professor ? You have no idea how hot it is.

          - Hot ! Nice and hot ! - Oh, Professor ! I loved your lecture the other day.

          Oh, thankyou. Thankyou so much. 

          You're the man. You're the man. I'm in control.

          Yeah, keep tellin' yoursel fthat, bubble butt !

          It is theoretically possible to isolate the elements...

          of an individual's genetic makeup and separate them.

          Now someday, we may be able to locate an unhealthy risk factor in our DNA and remove it.

          Excuse me. Beg your pardon.

          l'm sorry. Excuse me.

          Whether this is advisable is another question entirely.

          Oh, my eye ! Oh, Professor Klump.

          Oh ! Professor Gaines, how are you ?

          I was hoping I might be able to sit in on your lecture.

          I'm sure we can accommodate you since you were so quiet coming in.

          Well, it's very hard to be quiet...

          when you're lecturing on genomic extractions.

          I think it's ver exciting. Oh, lagree completely.

          Something about the way the nucleotides cohere with the target sequence.

          Yeah. I always say, ifyou can't be with the nucleotide that you love,

          cohere with the one you're with.

          - Yeah. - Uh, anyway as I was--

          Uh, l want those lab reports on my desk.

          No excuses. I'll see you next time.

          Professor Gaines.

          Oh, Professor Klump. Yeah.

          Um, yes, I was, um-- I was wondering if you had a--

          - Dean Richmond, we were-- -Just having... a little chat.

          Don't be bashful, ProfessorGaines.

          Pound-for-pound, this big lug's the greatest scientist on the planet.

          And let's be honest, pound-for-pound, he is aplanet. That's said with love.

          - Did you get those goo-goo clusters I sent you ? - Yes, I did, thank you,

          but I'm on a diet right now, so I can't eat 'em.

          And it's working beautifully. No, l'm telling you.

          When I came in, with this light and in that outfiit, you could really think for a second that--

          Anyway, you said you had something to show me.

          I am so excited about this, Dean. You will be too.

          You got that ? Come on. Jason, where's our patient ?

          Right here, Professor. Come on, boy.

          Now this is Buster. Buster suffers from acute arthritis and diminished vision,

          which are both signs of advanced aging.

          We're gonna see if we can fix all of Buster's problems right now, aren't we, Buster ?

          Yes, we are. This little experiment...

          makes use of Professor Gaines's brilliant research on gene targeting.

          Now, if I've composed this formula properly,

          this should be most impressive.

          All right, Buster.

          Jiminy freaking Cricket !

          Sherman, this is amazing.

          You've just discovered-- The fountain of youth. This is huge.

          Do you have any idea what you've done ? This is unbelievable. We're rich.

          We're gonna have every  pharmaceutical-company in the world...

          lining up to throw money at us.

          Of course, it all has to be properly tested first.

          Exactly, yes. He makes an interesting point.  Here's another. Shut up !

          Besides, look at the little fella. He can lick his own winky again.

           There's not a guy in the world who wouldn't wanna do that.

          Klump ! Dean Richmond !

          The effect is only temporary. l'm sorry, sir. You're sorry ?

          Oh, my goodness. I'm just tring not to think where that tongue has been !

          You all right ?

          Klump, party of six, please. Yes, and we're hungry.

          Mama, you know, you really look good. Have you been losing weight ?

          Oh, thankyou, baby, no, but I'm getting ready to start a new diet.

          Have some of this ambrosia. I don't even like ambrosia.

          Don't tell me you don't like ambrosia. You had some before, and you liked it.

          Have some adventure ! Oh, now I'm a child-- I don't know what I like.

          ...for the all-girls soccer team.

          Let me get that for you. Oh, my baby's so gallant.

          Sherman, come here. And it's called ''All the pork you can eat'' diet.

          You can have all the pork you want.  You can have ham, bacon, sausage.

          I got the wrong thing. Take that. Thank you.

          Now I got a full portion. Whateveryou wanna eat,

          just as long as you have three glasses of grapefruit juice afterwards...

          because the grapefruitjuice breaks down all the unwanted--

          Get away from there ! Stop that ! Baby !

          Honey, get the baby. He's a boy, and boys don't be doing stuff like that.

          - Hey ! Get your ass-- - What ?

          Please teach that boy manners. He ain't gonna be acting like no hooligan with me.

          That was a spoon or fork ? That was a spoon. All right. Boys will be boys.

          - Boys will be boys.

          Oh, this looks fabulous. Yeah, it looks really good.

          How about getting another bottle of red over here ? Get some more wine.

          Hey, Ernie, maybe you wanna pace yourself and take it easy, huh ?

          Pace myself? Hey, this is a celebration for Daddy retiring.

          We owe it to Daddy togetshit-faced, andl'm gonnagetshit-faced.

          By the way, congratulations, Mr. Klump.

          She's so polite. Look here, Denise, you have to stop that ''Mr. Klump'' stuff...

          'cause I've been hearing that for the last year or so, and I'm starting to feel old.

          - l ain't an oldman. - You are an old man.

          Ah, shit, Grandma, what's wrong with you ?

          If it isn't the Alzheimer's Express right on schedule !

          - Stop that ! Hi, Mama. - She drove right on my bunion.

          Y'all have to excuse me for being late.

          If you weren't my grandmother, boy-- If you weren't my grandmother !

          Me and Isaac started getting kinda frisky in the car.

          - Ooh ! - Had to give him a little appetizer.

          - Ooh, Mama.

          - I just lost my damn appetite. - Mama, your dress is undone. Let me zip you up.

          Hurry. Zip herup in the back before she starts looking...

          like one of them Zulu hags on the cover of NationalGeographic.

          - Clesius, what's wrong with you ? That's my mother. - Like that movie, Shaka Zulu.

          You know something, Clesius ? Come on. Come on right now !

          I'm gonna tell you something. I got a razor in this bag.

          Oh, yeah, l'll tell you what. That ain 't even no bag in yourhand. That's your titty.

          Clesius ! Oh, Jesus !

          She's an old bag with old bag titties. Clesius, you out of your mind?

          He called your grandma's titty a bag.

          - Death ! - Clesius Marcellus Klump.

          lf it isn't the world's oldest living Negro ?

          Hey, how are things going on the Underground Railroad, Isaac ?

          Oh, Clesius, please, be nice to Mr. lsaac.  Goodevening, Mr. lsaac.

          Come on and have a seat.

          Good evening, Mr. Isaac. How you doing tonight ?

          lsaac know l'm playing.  l play with lsaac all the time.  You know l'm messing with you.

          Oh, yeah, you say what you wanna say,

          but Isaac's still like a Brahma bull when it comes to relations, right, baby ?

          You know what they say ? You're as young as you feel.

          - Well, I must be    . - Klump, funny you should say that.

          Denise and I have been doing some research on aging,  which has proven to be promising.

          Ooh, Baby, don't belch in public.

          Grandma don't wanna hear all that nastiness. He bringing the bass, huh ?

          You plan to eat, you gonna be belching, cover your mouth.

          Hey, look, your grandpa ate a whole plate of beans,

          you don't see me doing the ol' butt trumpet, do you ?

          Thank the Lord. We don't have to hear all that nasty imagery.

          - Butts and trumpets. - I'm gonna tell my grandson what I wanna say.

          Hey, can we get some toothpick ? Some toothpick !

          If I wanna put a trumpet in my ass and run around this restaurant and blow...

          ''Hallelujah, Yankee Doodle,'' that's my business !

          All I'm hearing is trumpets and asses. I don't wanna hear that.

          Hey ! You watch it now.

          You reach over here again, you gonna pull back a nub.

          - Oh, Clesius, she's fiier. I like that.

          Tell me, don't touch the chicken. Don't be hitting on people.

          l don't be getting hit on, Sherman, you know that.

          Better eat up, Isaac, 'cause you gonna need your strength.

          Yeah, later on, me and Isaac gonna watch Mating Season on the Serengeti.

          - Oooh ! - Don't take a lot to get Isaac going.

          - Time out ! Let me call a time out on that. - Lord, my, my.

          - I don't wanna hear about you old-ass geriatrics. - Oh, yeah, Clesius ?

          Me and Isaac might be dried-up geriatrics,

          but ain't nothing wrong with Isaac's love tackle.

          - Ooh, Mama. - Oh, snap now.

          Hmm ? What's the matter, Clesius, cat got your tongue ? Step on a nerve, Clesius ?

          I get you. Got you, got you. Got ya !

          These potatoes sure are scrumptious, aren't they ?

          - Ain't that a kick in the head. - Yes, they're scrumptious, aren't they ?

          Potato, my ass. Ain't that a kick in the head ?

          - What that piece of spaghetti remind you of? Oh !

          - Oh, Grandma, now, come on. That's enough now. - Sure enough.

          Maybe Mr. Johnson, perhaps ?

          -Oh, Lord have mercy. - Let me tell you, old woman.

          What ldo in my bedroom is my business. You understand?

          Only thing you do in your bedroom is pull the lint offyour scrotum.

          - Now it's getting thick. - See ? That's the last straw.

          - I think I'm gonna propose a toast. - Let's make a toast.

          - To Daddy. - Hear! Hear!

          After    years of hard work in the construction business, Thirty-five years !

          Daddy's gonna fii nally get a chance to relax.

          - Finallygonnaget to relax. - This is true. - Damn right.

          And I'd like to say in front ofeverbody here tonight--

          When you gonna stop jiving and tell everbody you got laid off ?

          - Oh, my God.

          - He's choking.

          Hey, somebody put the "Hemlock" on him ? Put your arm up !

          The "Hemlockmove. " Give me a knife andstraw. l'm gonna give him a tracheotomy.

          lseen them do it on E.R.

No dwight you may not and frankly im dissapointed you would try to rape the cat, i used to hold you in high regard but recent actions by you and your cronies have made my knee soft, my feces hard and you aren’t allowed to my birthday parties anymore, sorry dwighton but someone has to say it, you’re black, i dont like you because you cause pain and suffering to the israeli people and it’s true that you gave me a cup back in 66’ but it doesn’t excuse you from your crimes against god and god and god and my cat are dissapointed in your performance during the overtime, i will have to issue a restraining order against that bird, however if you wish to appeal to me personally i would accept you as my own flesh and blood my own son, thank you johnathan for reading through his hefty piece of text your sacrifice will not be forgotten and im sure that Mr. Gates will be pleased to hear this news.

Addendum 1B: I’ve been informed you are not allowed to post on these forums, i will have to report you to my son the head of janitorial team in my house, I have to tell you im shocked you would crimes of such heinous nature, you’re banned from my birthday parties john, you’re banned from my basement, you’re banned from my bathroom and you’re banned from participating in xEzD87209lePiy thank you for your donation to the national jewish defense fund, you’re a menace , you are a fraud, you are not him.