Dumb ways miners die

Another big happy fun post from Fraud this time made to make you laugh at miners but also learn from mistakes and not die. The big list of stupid miner deaths. Here we go.

  1. Lag. The game stutters and you walk into lava or abyss.

To avoid this, walk in short sprints and avoid holding down buttons. Use an RCD (printable in cargo lathe after research) to bridge lava and abyss. Lie down while bridging to avoid falling in from lag.

  1. Metal Gear. A goliath was facing up or hiding near the edge of the screen, next thing you know you’re tentacled, if there’s other mobs around or your HP wasn’t high, you’re dead.

To avoid this, always move, even if an area looks completely safe. Only stand still if you are absolutely super mega ultra sure nothing is close to you.

  1. Home Invasion. You pop a capsule and a goliath was close to it. It breaks in and you can’t kill it for some reason. With a storm outside and no room inside, you die.

This happens because your accelerators do shit damage inside capsules due to pressure. If a goliath enters your capsule and you don’t have a crusher, use improvised melee. You also want to destroy the table as soon as you make a capsule for more room, just in case.

  1. Freeze! A watcher fires at you during another fight. You now can’t dodge anything and you die to whatever you were fighting.

Clear a wide area of mobs before you start fighting anything important.

  1. Hierophant Surprise. You’re tanking hierophant hits, when suddenly a limb goes down. You’re now too slow to avoid it or can’t use your crusher (or are down to one KA)

Hierophant’s regular attacks deal spread-out damage, but its teleport attack targets specific limbs and easily disables them. Do not tank this attack. Getting hit by multiple chasers is better.

  1. Pew. The colossus immediately instakills you as soon as you hit it once.

Put range on your accelerators and always stay the full distance away from the colossus when engaging. If using a crusher, don’t even try without the hierophant trophy. If you have the trophy, use ANOTHER MOB to get the wall up, and lure colossus to the wall. Protip, you can pull watchers, and crusher works on watchers after you lazarus them. I’m not saying you should pull a watcher over just to set up a wall for colossus but that’s exactly what I’m saying, actually.

  1. Gibtonite Surprise. Drake’s random fire, Colossus’ bolts, or Bubblegum’s charge hits gibtonite near you. If you were too close, this spells your death, and if you were next to it, you are already dead.

Buy advanced scanners and use them. Plan a route you will lure fauna t hrough before doing so and clear the route of all gibtonite. With an advanced scanner you shouldn’t miss any.

  1. Gasp. You forgot your air tank.

You absolute monkey.

  1. Divine Wrath. The anomalous crystal instakilled you and dusted you upon use.

If you have a memento mori activated and the anomalous crystal is the one that turns you into a clown, it will kill you on the spot with no chance for a revive. Have another person test the crystal if you used mori.

  1. Divine Wrath 2. You ate the divine vocal cords.

Why did you think this was a good idea?

  1. Drugs. You overdosed on your miner pens and take deadly damage over time while being slow every now and then.

Bring a health analyzer with you and set it to chems. It will tell you once the old pen’s contents are out of your body, thus preventing you from overdosing. Use synthflesh patches from the advanced health kit in the mining vendor for a universal heal, save pens for combat only.

  1. Assimilation. You used two legion cores in a row and are going to turn into a legion. You panic and it’s too late.

If this happens, immediately look around for cactus and eat it to cure yourself. If the cure does not work or you found none, drop a capsule, go to the stasis unit inside, and beg for a rescue. When your rescuer arrives, make sure they immediately kill you and clone/pod/whatever your body. Also, you can preemptively carry cactus around in case this happens.

  1. Legion Surprise. Sometimes using one core will turn you into a legion anyway and won’t even show you the disease symptoms. Yes, it’s a real bug.

Ahelp. Tell them to check logs if they don’t believe you only used one core. Yell at coders.

  1. Whoosh. You broke into the syndicate base and immediately got launched into lava.

Don’t break in from the right side. Also, don’t stand in front of the wall you use to break through. Your best bet is honestly just bridging to the south doors which have a real entry point (though the doors require access. just RCD them)

  1. Bonus: Burned. You got hit too many times by Drake’s fire. Your jumpsuit and ID are gone now. Not a death but hey it’s still awful.

Extinguish (yes, with an extinguisher) or legion core yourself if you get set on fire. But more importantly unless you’re confident in your skills, drop your ID somewhere before the fight. If your jumpsuit gets fucked, you don’t need to go back up. Use a sharp object on medical gauze to turn it into cloth or whatever the material is called. Use 3 cloth to make a new jumpsuit. You can find gauze in first aid kits in the mining base and shuttle. If you saved your ID it shouldn’t be a problem.


for 15 you can actually get a plasmeme jumpsuit as it doesnt burn on fire

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You must not have other miners ever because you made absolutely no mention of being spaced by the mining shuttle because some chucklefuck called it at the wrong time.


Cult killing you instead of converting you and taking over the base


being stuck in a shelter and suiciding because of a poorly timed ash storm and a goliath dropping your mining tool

one time i saw a miner who got spaced by the mining shuttle leaving sooner than expected try to enter back in through the cargo shuttle airlock… only to get gibbed by the shuttle arriving on top of him.


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