Chaos and Misery: a guide to making everyone else suffer as a teratoma

Before we begin, let me specify that this guide it not really for ling teratomas. They follow different rules, and are allowed to kill people. This guide will not suggest murdering people to increase suffering. Should maint/virus teratoma rulings change, I do suggest remove people’s legs. It is funny and they will be mad about it. Okay, on to the guide.

So, you got lucky and managed to get the maint teratoma spawn. Before you can start inflicting suffering on every living being on the station, you have your first obstacle to hurtle.
(should you spawn in a location that is not the barbers room, skip to step 3. This most commonly applies to virus teratomas)

  • The Barber

While there are exceptions, the maint teratoma will likely spawn in the barbers room, behind a wooden door, on top of a cardboard box. If the barber spawns, this is the FIRST place he will go. This box contains the item the barber will attempt to kill you. The Chainsaw. Since you were a ghost, you will already know if there is a barber in the room or not. If there is, immediately set your intent to disarm. The second that door opens, you need to shove the barber down.

Step 2 suffers from RNG, as depending on the map and location of the barber’s room spawn in maint, there may or may not be a vent.

  • If there IS a vent, as soon as the barber has been tabled, or otherwise knocked down, vent. The barber will try to kill you, and cannot be reasoned with. Remember that you cannot take anything into vents, so dont even bother carrying anything. If there is a vent, step 3 has already been completed and you may skip to step 4.

  • if there IS NOT a vent, attempt to push the barber into the door to open it. If there is no vent, you have your work cut out for you, and your life expectancy is probably short. Lets assume you somehow don’t die a chainsaw related death and you manage to escape the room into maint.

Step 3, locate a vent. You do not have any access. Vents will be your best friend, much like they are to swarmers, xenos, monkeys, and slimes. be careful though. There is a chance atmos has already cranked the gas pump to the distro loop to max. This means that the vents are extremely dangerous. If this is the case, take the scrubbers instead. While the scrubbers may deal low kpa damage and oxy damage, it will deal total damage at a rate that is slower than 4500 kpa in a vent, and once out of the vent, you heal the oxy damage just by breathing so no worries. If the scrubbers have had a freezer connected to their loop, you probably arent going to spend much time in the pipes. Now that you have successfully located a vent or scrubber, and established which one to use, we can move on to step 4.

Step 4, pick an area to torment. As a teratoma, you are small, meek, and relatively defenseless. You will want to pick an area that is not full of people at first. Personally I suggest Arrivals or Dorms. Arrivals is my go-to because there are usually less people there than in dorms, and it is an easy starting point to work your way into other departments later down the line. However, depending on your confidence as a teratoma, you can theoretically start anywhere, even in the heart of security. I do not suggest doing that, but you do you.

Step 5, tormenting the station. There are a variety of ways to bother everyone on the station, even if you fail step 2 and 3.

  • Should you fail to accomplish step 2 and 3, but there is no barber to murder you, you can use a radio to cause suffering, and maybe even eventually escape from the barbers room.

  • Obtain a toolbox. You will want a toolbox for almost all teratoma needs. The best kind to grab is the emergency toolbox. These are the red toolboxes most commonly found in oxygen lockers or escape pod safes. They contain several items a teratoma could need, such as a crowbar, a radio, and a welding too for a small source of light if you need it. Since they are abundant, don’t worry about leaving it behind when you need to hop in a vent.

  • Smash every light you can find. The darkness is a teratoma’s best friend. A dark room will keep you alive. The bigger the dark area, the easier it is to escape from a detective with a flash light. Learn the location of your escape options and memorize them. Plastic flaps, vents, scrubbers, tables you can run across, they will all help you survive.

  • Smash APCs. Repairing an APC is annoying. Its not that hard, but its really annoying. Smashing an APC induces a lot of suffering and grants more darkness, as machines turn off and stop producing light. any unsmashed lights will also dim. Many people do not know how to repair an APC, so they will have to remain without power until an engineer arrives to repair it. It takes a while to do, which buys you time to smash more APCs and lights

  • utilizing portable scrubbers. There are 2 portable scrubbers in dorms, and 2 portable scrubbers outside of atmos (and probably also in atmos but ignore those). You can weaponize these. They usually are on top of connectors, but technically you dont need to use the connections. If you do use the connectors, find a wrench and wrench the scrubbers in place. Once you have place the scrubbers where you want them, set them to scrub O2 and N2 out of the air. They aren’t effective enough to outpace the vents refilling the air, but they will set off the AIs atmos alarms, and turn the lights blue, which again is darker than normal, giving you a slightly easier time surviving, but not as much as total darkness. This has the added bonus of pulling air out of the vents, making them slightly safer to travel in if the pressure was previously high. Watch as people become confused as to where the air is going, but never even consider the scrubbers in dorms.

  • smash consoles and machines. While you should always completely destroy machines, only break the screens for consoles. It is more annoying to have to remove and replace just the screen than it is to just rebuild the console. Machines do not have that same problem, so just break them all the way. Places to target for this include bridge, cargo, RnD, Robotics, Cloning, the mining shuttle consoles, and the security gulag teleporter.

  • kill pets. If you can find a knife or other sharp butchering object, go all out and butcher Ian. not even runtime will be safe from your monke ass wrath.

  • break display cases in the captains room, the library, or RD’s office. this will force the room to lock down and will require AI assistances to open again. In the library, only break one. After the AI has unlocked the room, you may return there to break another one.

  • hacking. Hacking doors as a teratoma carries risks. you cannot wear insuls as a teratoma, so any shock you get will hurt. But you can still hack doors, and should you learn of the test, bolt, electrify, or AI control wires, you can pull some real shit on people and get around easier. Cutting otherwise may also cause misery, such as turning off the speed control or pressure safety, causing the doors to crush people who stay in them. this wont kill them unless they were already about to die, but it will be annoying as fuck.

  • cutting wires. Much like hacking doors, this is probably going to hurt, but will present a long term power issue. You can also do this with the wires that connect APCs and SMES to the grid. For example, if you break into the SMES room, and you open up the SMES, you can then cut the wires connecting the SMES to the SM power supply. The SMES will eventually run dry despite the power still running. This is also a way to deprive the station of power.

  • cutting cameras. The AI is a real bastard. His cameras have lights which can locate you in the darkness, and he WILL let security know where you are. Cameras are not your friend. If you can get a screwdriver and wirecutters, cut any camera you come across. make sure to screw the panel closed on the camera to make it 5 seconds harder to repair.

  • remove floor tiles. Its just annoying. Remove a bunch of them, gather them up, and flush em down disposals.

This is nowhere near a complete list on things you can do to piss everyone off.

Optionally, you can also become human or a pod person through genetics or botany, depending on if they are willing to work with you. While this opens up a wide array of new ways to fuck everyone over, it also closes off some, such as venting. If you get podded, you will also need a source of light to feed and heal off of, making the darkness less of a friend that it was before.

There are many things you also must beware of. While some people on the station will not attempt to kill you (at first at least) there are many who will kill you even if you weren’t being an annoying sack of shit. Avoid security or any heads at all cost. They will always open fire on you. The worst offenders of this are the Detective, who is always itching to shoot stuff, and the warden, who is always itching to use his gloves and for some reason is never in brig. Avoid them at ALL costs. This is why you break the lights and APCs. They are quick to anger, but they are also usually stupid. with the APCs broken, doors wont close, and you can easily open them. you can even open and close them using the crowbar in your emergency toolbox. It is likely that the warden or detective are not carrying crowbars, and will have to find a different way around. Getting them to chase you is another way to induce suffering. while they chase you, real crimes are happening, and people are probably dying.

Do not attempt to get into armory or the AI upload or core. you will get stunned, and you will get dead. avoid those locations.

hitting the ore silo is also funny. It carries the risk of the AI spotting you. if you hear the vault doors unbolt, leave immediately. If you, before hand, cut the cameras outside the vault and then cut the cameras inside the vault, the AI cannot do anything about it. If you have become humanoid, you can simply break into the vault. instead of destroying the vault, consider simply holding or removing all of the devices from it. This is far more annoying. Removing them all will require every device to be resynced manually, while holding just means it needs to be reactivated from the silo.

I don’t think I have ever written a guide before, so this one is obviously rough, but I felt that spark of inspiration to write it, so here it is. Next time you get teratoma, you can make everyone suffer as much as possible without dying.


If you genetically turn yourself into a human(not sure about pod people), you won’t be able to remove some of your clothes.
As soon as sec arrest and strip you, they will immediately try to cremate you

what? you mean like underwear? most players have that regardless.

This one round on Sage teratomas were conducting organized raids on departments, sabotaging equipment like the SME cooling loop and other stuff, it was scary.

Ling teratoma’s are on a different level honestly, and when they get good they get scary

No bruh I mean hats, things in pockets etc.
Same way how you cannot undress some lings.